‘FIR’st

Sometime ago, I was walking along the paved path skirting Eliots Beach, my favourite haunt, alongside other dandies and fops who were enjoying the breezy evening on the promenade, with my friend Manish(of NIT Trichi now placed in IBM). We were debating the finer points of IEEE protocol 802.11a ( don’t remember what we talking about and no way in a million thousand years it would have been this but to put pseud let us assume this is what we were talking about ). After going one up against him and comprehensively proving that the header format could only be four bytes large and it would take a mentally defective person to argue that two bytes were sufficient, I was about to say “Ha” when I realised with a sudden chill in my heart that in the process of verbally trouncing him, my mobile had fallen out of a small hole in the side of my pocket.

Frantically retracing my steps and calling from Manish’s mobile resulted in my inferring with Sherlock Holmes like accuracy that somebody had picked up the phone and switched it off ( if I had been less distraught, I probably would have deduced that the guy was five foot four; left handed ; came from Adambakkam and had a mole two inches below his neck but I guessed my analytical abilities took a holiday that day). Oh, and as I seem to have forgotten to mention it was Kaanum Pongal day ( the day the beach is most crowded).

At the police assisstance booth, I was told to lodge an FIR in the Police station. Enroute, I made another call to my mobile and to my surprise, a policewoman answered the phone and asked me to come to the booth pronto. There she asked me my phone model and colour and having more than convinced her it was my lawful property, she decided to look into my contacts lists and perform a final check. Now the fun starts.

I must digress here and explain to all those who don’t know me that I am a crossword puzzle maniac. So, all my contacts are stored as crossie clues with the starting letter being present to maintain names in alphabetical order.
eg. NSister finished=Nun done=nandan ;
Hrush=Hurry=hari ;
Amonth in articles is jan in an and a is anjana.

you get the funda I assume.And there are no names, only words like this. The first name was Aa joint hole(A knee rut =anirudh)

To resume, seeing this, the policewoman gave me a strange glance, stared at list and then gave me an even weirder glance.(One that seemed to say –how did these guys escape from Kilpauk) She asked me if these were all codewords and unable to tell her what it was I said yes, and with a doubtful look, she made me file an FIR (yay!I’ve filed an FIR) and then handed me my phone and warned me to be more careful in the future.

Moral of story –If you fill your phone with vague crossie clues,do not repeat do not show it to a police official.

Angry Speech for mannequins

Hoping to evangelise and convert more people to the glorious religion of cruciverbalism,I am putting up a simple crossword (along with explanations of the clues so that next time you see a crossword,you hopefully wont be so baffled/stumped/mystified/puzzled by the clues)

The title incidentally, reads cross words for dummies

This explanation is only for beginners/novices/learners/apprentices/amateurs so others can kindly go back and read/peruse/browse other blog entries.

When you see the answers,they might seem tough if taken one by one, but if you have entered some words the other words automatically fall in place like magic and hey presto before you know it the majority of the crossword is filled.I would recommend starting on The Hindu crossword ,much simpler and lots of easy clues to solve.

1.Two supporters hold dishonourable man for a spell(11)

7.Friend backs a round(3)

9.Metaphorically dead creatures(5)

10.Driver,say,is a horse dresser?(9)

11.Editor returns in average revolutionary and wandered leisurely(9)

12.Leave colour positoned at the end and dance(5)

13.All mixed up,neo sold dish(7)

18.Reportedly ,nail father in capital(7)

21.Sister that is the cause for boredom(5)

22.Reportedly most important law(10)

24.Attractive bowlers aking earnestly((9)

25.A vine,tangled up, is very simple(5)

26.What arrives after wood distillation here(3)

27. Transfers to another place(11)

1.Body part needs to be sorted out from horrible sign(7)

2.Light emitter or cooling device?(8)

3.Enclosed accountants with editor(5)

4.Ditches without help at Sahara or Kalahari(7)

5.Blends love for gentlemen's preference in movie(7)

6.Success of sportsman caused by physically powerful member?(9)

7.Falsehood ruler says to display inclination(6)

8.Forgives mafia leaders after hit back(7)

14.Car built in the north using oil(10)

15.Taken a child and notice choice(8)

16.To carve,excitedly,and in a exagerrated manner(7)

17.A student salesman in charge of copy(7)

18.Begs ride endlessly across connectors(7)

19.Dense record dances and extends further(7)

20. Parsnip errs on finding shooter(6)

23.Let criminal swin on waterway(5)

don’t got through the answers till you have tried each clue atleast twice.

ACROSS

Two supporters hold dishonourable man for a spell(11)

Supporter is usually bra (for obvious reasons!),dishonourable man is cad,hold indicates they have cad in between so it is

ABRACADABRA

Friend backs a round(3)

Round can be lap. Backs/returns/rejects indicates you have to return the word so

PAL

Metaphorically dead creatures(5)

This is direct.

DODOS

Driver,say,is a horse dresser?(9)

Say/reportedly indicates it sounds like

Driver is schumacher.

SHOEMAKER

Editor returns in average revolutionary and wandered leisurely(9)

Editor/newspaperman is ed.revolutionary is red/che.average is mean.in indicates the word is present in between.so,

MEAN+DE +RED

Leave colour positoned at the end and dance(5)

Colour is a type of colour and leave is go

So TAN + GO

All mixed up,neo sold dish(7)

Mixed up/tangled up/excited indicates jumbles.These are te easiest types of clues and have to be cracked earliest.The anagram is usually easy to spot as it has some word/name which makes no sense whatsoever to the rest of the clue.

Neo + sold =NOODLES

Reportedly ,nail father in capital(7)

Father can be dad/pa

So bag + dad=BAGHDAD

Sister that is the cause for boredom(5)

This is usually a common clue as it helps cruciverbalists out of a tight spot.

Sister is nun + ie (that is) so

ENNUI

Reportedly most important law(10)

Most important principal sounds PRINCIPLE(law)

Attractive bowlers asking earnestly(9)

This kind of clue is sometimes the best(most funny) as it cleverly utilises second and lesser known meanings of words in a clever way

APPEALING

A vine,tangled up, is very simple(5)

NAIVE (straightforward anagram)

What arrives after wood distillation here(3)

Here /found in/indicates the word is found here what arrives and tar is end product of wood distillation

TAR

Transfers to another place(5)

Stupid kind of clue.direct word meaning

TRANSPLANTS

DOWN

Body part needs to be sorted out from horrible sign(7)

Horrible =bad

Sign=omen

Body part =ABDOMEN(sorted out)

Light emitter or cooling device?(8)

RADIATOR(clue using alternate meanings of words)

Enclosed accountants with editor(5)

Accountants=cas + ed

CASED

Ditches without help at Sahara or Kalahari(7)

DESERTS(fairly obvious)

Blends love for gentlemen's preference in movie(7)

Love/not is o .o + blends =BLONDES(gentelmen prefer blondes is a famous movie)

Success of sportsman caused by physically powerful member?(9)

Member =leg/arm/limb .here arm + strong=ARMSTRONG

Falsehood ruler says to display inclination(6)

Ruler is king.falsehood say is li.so.

LIKING

Forgives mafia leaders after hit back(7)

Hit=rap

Mafia leaders=dons

PARDONS

Car built in the north using oil(10)

Another little tip would help here.point is n/s/e/w .quarter is ne/se/sw/nw.north is n and so on

So car + built + n=LUBRICANT

Taken a child and notice choice(8)

Notice is normally ad

Choice=option

So,

ADOPTION

To carve,excitedly,and in a exagerrated manner(7)

Jumble

OVERACT

A student salesman in charge of copy(7)

Student/learner/apprentice=l

Salesman=rep(as in representative)

Incharge=ic

So,

REPLICA

Begs ride endlessly in excitement across connectors(7)

Endlessly means take off the last letter

So begs + rid

BRIDGES

Dense record dances and extends further(7)

Record can be EP/LP (As in audio storage medium) so dense + ep

DEEPENS

Parsnip errs on finding shooter(6)

Clues can’t t easier than this.parsnip has no relation(brother/dad/mum!) to the rest of the sentence.finding indicating the word is located here so

SNIPER

Let criminal swin on waterway(5)

Criminal is usually al so

CANAL

The crossword as such might be slightly sad as I finished it quickly using a compiler(People might think I used a gcc compiler on a linux kernel after telnetting on a remote LAN using a …. Oh,drat ,can’t think of any more technical terms to namedrop)a crossword compiler(amazing piece of software)Clues are very direct to make it simpler

HAPPY SOLVING

Notes from a small island

“Yours tickets,sir!”The IA hostess said handing me back my tickets,glaring grumpily at me and rudely gesturing towards my seats.As Dennis Bergkamp and I would be close contenders for any airlines frequent flier program,this was the first time I was experiencing IA’s unique version of hospitality.For Gods sake,the hostesses atleast have to be taught to smile and perform basic courtesies.If I’m paying a sum that would ,say, give me 10 years supply of playboy,I expect to be treated extremely well.(The fact that somebody else was sponsoring for my jamboree to Singapore is besides the point).

<>
We(my friend nandan and I) stayed at a hotel called Golden Landmark(that also put on someones tab!).It was decent and what put it high in my esteem was the fact that it had a tub.Just a normal small tub but tub all the same.Also it took getting used to the fact that they drank the water straight off the taps.Hard to imagine doing it here in Chennai.

<>
We decided to go to the zoo and went by the MRT(their metro).The fully automated system to purchase the ticket,electronic trains,automatic doors,you know it was just mindboggling.And just to when you tire of making a demographic profile of your carriage and decide that the Chinese looking guy sittting two seats away was,well,Chinese,they vary the monotony by making the train go above ground where you can get a full aerial view of Singapore with its enormous highrises seemingly a frisbee throwing distance away.

The buildings are wonderful,in various sizes(L,XL and XXL), rising perpendicularly out of the ground;a celebration of glass and cement,in all colours from dull brown to a bright blue,virtually utilising all the 256K colours available in MSPaint;in crazy shapes varying from the short and the squat to ones that invites Newton’s followers to question the blasphemy regarding nonconformance to the first commandment(Thou shalt obey the laws of gravity).And to ensure there is more than just a sea of asphalt,oasises of green have been tastefully set amidst the skyscrapers.

<> However,I digress.We got off the train and then took the bus to the zoo(Their bus also involves an obscene amount of technology that however does save human labour )The zoo is superbly planned,in a natural setting with the animals not caged but roaming about in short expanse of land,a small moat separating them from inquisitive spectators.What is so astounding is that hordes of tourists descend on the zoo and the bird park,knowing virtually nothing of animals ,and on seeing a Greater Red crested Magpie(found only in the Congo region feeding on crickets,tennises and baseball bats and nearly extinct –actually it doesn’t exist ,there might be such a subspecies but most of the names were something like this so I am fairly sure that a bird like this does exist ) and say “Look!Birdie !Sooooooo sweeeeeet!” They see the same type of animal (for example ,there were gazelle,impala,sambar,blackbuck,nilgai,springbok,reebok,
someotherbokwhosenameiforgot,all in addition to the humble deer of course) and still go around and for the zoo to draw huge crowds to see all this is praiseworthy to say the least.The night safari was crowd pulling and deservedly so; it involved well trained animals,crowd interaction and some super tricks.

<> Returned the same way but went to Orchard Road(probably Asia’s swankest road with huge malls,hotels,windowshoppers,and the usual hanger ons)which was brightly illuminated for the Christmas season.Amazing place to walk around but no place to eat anything vegetarian!.I had to make do with a McBurger without the meat ,an apple and juice.

<> Next day,the tourist guy (since I’ve not mentioned it earlier, we had a won a quiz for which the prize was a trip and stay in Singapore) had arranged for tour of the city.Each tourist destination has been well looked after , marketed superbly , lots of signboards ,with commentary wherever possible,and every place of any remote interest to a camera toting tourist clearly indicated(I’m sure if you hunted long enough, you would find a butt of the first cigarette Sir Stamford Raffles ever smoked on the island,carefully preserved in airconditioned splendour in a museum ,with a $10 entry fee and commentary in all the 72345 dialects spoken on earth).

We then got on the cable car to Sentosa. New panoramas are opened as you travel on this jawdropping ride perilously carried on a slender spidersthread thickness rope.You repent for all the sins that you may have committed in your previous life just to thank God that you could get such an superb view .Some distance away are those skyscrapers,pretty hard to miss;in another corner,a toys playground style shipyard and freight region with enormous cranes manipulating even bigger containers;green forests on one small side and the steel gray waters of the ocean right below you.The underwater world in Sentosa is a must see where you look at schools and even colleges of fishes separated by a mere sheet of glass.Also,I found what should be another major tourist attraction here;an entirely vegetarian restaurant serving all kinds of Chinese dishes.I had to ask her more questions than Siddartha Basu has ever asked before I was convinced I was seeing the Eighth wonder of the world.First and only chinese meal(noodles!) I had in the Garden City.

<> Next day,we went to Jurong bird Park,where I saw one of my favorite birds,the penguin at close quarters.Amazing animals to look at,clumsy and gauche on land,but swimming with great ease and elegance.Could spend hours staring at their whimsical movements(Penguins daily schedule –go to the water ,swim with extraordinary grace there,waddle about on land,eat,loop back to step one ) but still fun to watch.Walking through the enclosures,designed to look like a forest and doing its succeeding very well,seeing birds at close quarters(close one eighths would be closer to the point as some were really close)flying about merrily in a riot of colours, and hearing the chirping of the birds in the humid jungle like atmosphere was a great experience.

<> The people there are pretty friendly and were very helpful with directions and other questions I plagued them with like why there was a button on the traffic signal (to speed up the green light!);on where to get vegetarian food(this I had to ask a lot of people and most of them were stumped for an answer ;for best results hunt up a tam looking guy,lots of them, and ask him)

Did a lot of other things but getting pained on writing for so long ,so “So long!”

PS-funny sign at the airport -in addition to the usual list of things not to do,no spitting no chewing gum,no durian there was a no studying!

On the waterfront part II

Feels funny to think that I went to the coastline just 12 hours before the tsunami inundated the beach.The sea then was moderately calm and to have predicted a catastrophe of this sort would have labelled one a definite crackpot and a certifiable lunatic.

In other matters,in theIMS simxat gk section, there was a question “According to the 2001 census,the percentage of 0-6 population to total population”.I thought it was time to put my ol’ quzzing guessing skills to test and eliminate the ridiculous choices and hopefully hit on the right choices.Then,I looked at the choices still hopeful and confident of arriving at a reasonable answer.The choices were a)16% b)15.36% c)15.47% d)15.42%

What the hell?

How in the whole wide world do they expect people to know all this?My confidence all but shattered I went to the next question which was

What was the literacy rate according to the Census 2001?

a)54.16% b)75.85% c)65.38% d)68.9%

Hope died eternal in my breast and I went to the other sections.No wonder its called a ‘mock’ xat.

Also saw sawdes.despite SRK crying (like any other SRK movie) every 15.3 minutes and Gayatri Joshi breaking out to talk about ‘sanskaar’/’parampara’/’hamara desh ki dharti’/’senti’ ,I wouldn’t say it was the ‘sawdest’ hindi movie I’ve ever seen.

Lets hope things return to normal in Chennai and the waters recede soon.

On the waterfront

“The waves are alive with the sound of music”.I could hear the orchestra of the waves as they beat upon the beachshore ,a veritable jaltarang as waves of different strengths simulated different octaves and banged on the water, playing a kind of water music not unfamiliar to Handel,as I neared Elliots Beach coastline.Sitting on the waterfront,many thoughts flitted across my mind but mainly I mulled upon the recent CAT results where I came quite close to getting a IIM call.”I couldve been a contender “was what kept going inside my brain.Well, Call ho na ho,I decided,life must go on.

The scene was indescribably beautiful,akin to a picture painted by a can- never-win,there-is-no-hope- pessimist-whos-psychiatrist-does-however-cause-brief-moods-of-optimism-- –a blackish coloured sea,interspersed with small flecks of milky white foam dashing on the sand,a bluish ‘blackground’ and a bright moon often obscured by dark,gloomy clouds.Actually I should say describably beautiful since I’ve described it and perhaps,though my modesty says not to,beautifully described also?Actually,I could wax lyrical about the waning moon but don’t feel in the right mood for it.

So there I was alone near the waters,actually almost alone ,considering almost every other minute there was a bajji/sweet/keychain seller trying to hawk their wares or plagued by beggars who for some reason formed the notion that I was easy prey(though I did nothing to encourage this of course).It seems amazing just when I seemed to really feel the spray on my face,watch the waves beating down and picture myself on a caribbean cruise to the middle of nowhere,there was some irritating guy who brought me outta dreamland(I was asked by 3 different keychain sellers.I mean how come there is such a big demand for these lighted key chains anyway.In case somebody is interested the going rate is Rs.10 for 1).The breeze was very soporific and I nearly dozed off but I was woken up by a soan papdi guy whose radio was playing ‘suhani chandni raaten’.Very apt I thought and decided to make a move back home.

A rather stale CAT joke to end.

Why do I envy a scarab beetle?

Because it’s got 6 kaals.

waiting for visaot

Today morning(how early?), well at the unearthly hour of 5,we(Nandan & I) went to get our visas from the Singapore Consulate early,very early,in my opinion envisaging a difficult time. When v saw the queue vis-à-vis the visa that had already built(about 10 people but one travel agent was claiming 25 visas) ,my visage said it all but after taking a visa census,I realised we would probably get it.The agents there imparted gyaan on the procedure and,in some cases, had sent people to wait for them.It was dark,there were mosquitoes and I had nothin to do.Then,when I realised that I had 5 hours to kill and it couldn’t get worse,well,what d’u know?It started raining.After the quick downpour,it grew brighter and I whipped out my Kipling(amazing author) and read on till breakfast time.

Deciding to go hotel hunting on GN road(didn’t know that was GNCRd),I saw a school friend who very kindly dropped me off at Murugan’s Idli Shop.Me cud eulogise abt that place all day, its soft meltinthemouth idlis ,its not so sombre sambar,and the ultimate ambrosia –the chutneys.After that,I hitchhiked back courtesy an old man on a chetak,who nosed out my life history(including when I cut my 3^rd molar from the right side of my mouth and my jathagam).However,he saved me a long walk and there I was back at the Consulate and found Nandan stoically braving the elements,staring resolutely ahead ,determined not to be Conned So late after waiting so long,giving no quarter to the vicious,queue jumping,murderous looking travel agents that enswarmed him.

We got in and gave the forms after a small delay(more Kipling time for me).Hotfooting it out of there,I realised getting the visa would open new vistas for me and visualising the agony on your faces,the blog stops here.

Trainin a Day

I basically wrote this article for our college magazine ,the names and characters are fictional but all the thoughts are what I have really felt .Train journeys are simbly amazin

TRAIN TO NEW DELHI

“Chaiya ! Chaiya!” Like Shahrukh and Malaika on a train,a teaseller carrying a huge steel container and many mudpots, though much less alluring to look at, seemed to sway to these words as he went about his day’s work.The milky light brown liquid he gave me was served in a teacup that had caused so much storm in the political circles.The mutka added charm to my daily shot of liquid cocaine,and it was a nice experience sipping steaming tea which somehow seemed to blend with the khullar.

However,as Maria von Trapp sung ,”Lets begin at the very beginning “.I was on trip to New Delhi with my good friend Bingo(he was a short guy hence he was nicknamed after the Wodehousian character).The train had merrily chugged its way past Central Station and was furrowing a path through the lush green paddy fields of Tamil Nadu.After stowing my knap sack (actually it was a battered school bag but it sounds more hip to say knap sack) and VIP under the seats,I examined the fellow travellers.They seemed to be a grumpy old Telugu couple whose conversation seemed to rhyme with the trains”Chukkadu Chockadhu Chukkadu Chockadhu” .Then breakfast in aluminium foils arrived amd Bingo and I fell to noisily unwrapping the food.While Bingo got a decent looking meal,mine was a glutinous mass ,with a limp looking vada and idli floating in god knows what.Seeing this ,Bingo quipped”Kya hua tera vada, woh sambar,woh idly,da?”Hope he chokes on his vada,humph.

Breakfast past us ,both of us nodded off.On waking up,I noticed a change in our immediate surroundings,the couple being replaced by a snooty nosed kid and his mother.After an energetic tongue pulling and face making contest between me & SNK (hiding behind his mothers sari),(result-SNK being definitely worsted by me)I cast my view outward,with a hopefully naïve look on my face after having aroused stern looking mum’s suspicions.

Villages with not more than ten houses sped past us.The telegraph poles seemed to be engaged in a long distance relay race with our train and the native cattle that stared disconsolately at our train could have passed of as inmates of Auschwitz or Bergen.The entire landscape was akin to a huge dish of my mother’s red tomato thokku sprinkled with a dash of basil.I pictured myself as a farmer in one of these seemingly absolutely dead villages where the latest news would be the story of how a mongoose killed a cobra one moonless night near Farmer Ganpati’s well six years ago.

I started staring at the station names that stared at me, big and black on a bright yellow board.I find most village names immensely funny, and with names like Bad,Gudur,Warangal(sounds more like a Tolstoy novel than a major junction),they are an unending source of hilarity and provide fodder to the aspiring punster.Imagine being Narasimhavarma Venkatarajulu of Srikrishnachamarajavarupet.When your filling forms before joining school/college you won’t need a better excuse to commit suicide.The funnier the name the more the probability of there being a station alloted to it,distance be damned, seems to have been our British officials line of thinking.

<> Lunch woke me out of my reverie and with memories of the bad breakfast fast dispappearing,I fell to attacking my chappatis with gusto.The sidedish was paneer in all shapes and sizes ,light and soft,and virtually melting in the mouth.After my hunger was satiated,I washed the meal down with a tall glass of lassi.SNK had taken advantage of stern mum’s sleep by trying to perform the herculean feat of cleaning the Indian carriage windows,though without a river unlike Hercules, and testing to see if the dirt was edible.Tired of this process,it was the turn of the seat to face the human vacuum cleaner.Next scene:Stern mum wakes up,spanks SNK,I exit smirking from side to side.

I got down to stretch my legs at Jhansi,the queendom of the khoobladhi mardani jhansiwali rani.The junction could pass of as any other nondescript station in India,a few vagabonds loafing about,hardly any waiting passengers,a fresco of paan stains decorating the walls and a few mangy looking dogs to keep the loafers company.The train let out a loud belch and I got on immediately.Bingo was still sleeping –this time SNK had decided to give him company.The sunset was amazing,a vast canvas painted with broad brush strokes of many colours ,the dark red of the sun blending with the deccan soil,the clouds tinted with almost every shade of red and the overall effect producing a surreal atmosphere(punctuated by the sound of the train – quite pleasant actually and the periodic snores of Bingo-very very unpleasant ).Dinner arrived –nothing much to write about so I’m not going to write about it.We followed it up with a game of cards and then Kumbhakarna Bingo hit the sack again.I continued my gazing out of the window,now everything was jet black with sudden townships indicated by the glaring brightness of sodium lamps and then darkness again.What was going out there,I wondered ,could there be fiery denizens who’s very roar could curdle the blood in my veins,could big bad things boldly roam in this area where no man has trod before?I had sufficiently spooked myself when I was brought down to earth by SNK’s nose dripping onto my foot whiled the stupid kid continued dozing ,blissfully unaware of how much trouble he was causing.I decided that I might as well call it a day and went off to sleep.

The next day morning ,we reached Delhi,the trip being far too short in my opinion.After all,in my opinion,men may come and men may go but train journeys should go on forever.As somebody rephrased Marshall Mcluhan,”The journey is the goal”.Even a journey of thousand words spread across many kilometres has to come to an end so this is it-goodbye.

Ze trial

Cogito ergo rum(With these not so famous first words,I begin my leap into cyberspace)
Not So Famous first words??Of whom??
For all those who don’t know,it means “I drink therefore I think”,the precursor to
‘cogito ergo sum’,also known as 'The Great Spoofable proof'.Descartes came up with this beautiful hypothesis but the Church(dangblarst ‘em!) carefully suppressed it not wanting to corrupt young minds and through my Dan Brown like prowling through the recesses of Latin literature(I would strongly recommend this if you have a couple of hours to spend wading aimlessly through latin literature) , I arrived at this startling fact.

Casual students of latin might well be inclined to think “what does my blog name mean”?”shouldn’t it be blogito ergo sum meaning I blog therefore I am” .?
I wouldn’t want to blame them,poor souls.With their schoolboy swotting of latin ,they wouldn’t be expected to know the present participle verb adjunct clause in latin where ‘ergoach’ forms a compound bridge thus resulting in a reversal of the original meaning

Incidentally,this probably ‘sums’ up my approach to blogging.I like thinking stuff to write but am detest putting finger to keyboard so here goes.Lets see how far I go……..